I thought I had climbed out of clinical depression, because I am finding new energy to go through three hurdles of interviews for this job. This is a significant step for me.
I left my career ladder in 2011, had an opportunity to work for a charity for free with the support of my ex, got engaged, married, ex turned out to be a closet gay, confessed he had series of adultry, marriage counseling, separated, suicide planned, alcoholism, rehab, took a lot of holidays, bought new wardrobe, dyed my hair, fucked a lot of guys to validate I am attractive despite my gay ex, divorced, depression, ex’s narcisstic ways to mess up with settlement, depressed, Skype with my therapist, culinary school, ex cocked up again, depression, graduated, a 3 months romance with a 21 years old (best love I’ve ever experienced), made some bad culinary career choices, then returned to my birth place to finally face depression head on, moved back to live with my parents, in a single bed on the bottom bunk bed, felt absolutely depressed, paranoia, insomnia, mental break down, therapist diagnosed clinical depression, finally admitted I needed medication to help, took Stilnox on Valentine’s Day 2017 so that I could finally sleep in 3 weeks, started antidepressant, went off it and got distracted with a separated guy, a month of disillusion of “perhaps this is a real relationship for a long time”, got scared and over paranoid, fucked the guy off, focussed on job hunting, self blame after every single interview… back to crying at night time, dread going to bed because I know I will cry, wish I had killed myself so it’s easier than THIS, trying to stay positive, but it’s so hard, wishing I have someone to cuddle and comfort me, cheer me on in getting myself back on the career ladder and BE that confident old self, feel like it’s an impossible task, feel defeated, a failure, deflated, tired, “what’s the point”….
I know people say suicides are very selfish acts. These are people who have never even come close to actually killing themselves.
The only thing that stopped my chronic crying and pain in the darkest hours was researching online of the exact methods to commit suicide. It’s sickening. It’s taboo to talk about it. But this was how it felt for me. It was the only way that kept me alive, ironically, because when I had chosen the plan, I felt more at peace with the situation I was in. Looking back, of course I am glad I am still alive today, but there had been times where I wished I had actually done it and wonder if I would end up doing it anyway, but I am dragging out the pain for nothing.
(If you are in the darkest hours, go and get help from someone you trust. Don’t be alone. If you feel like you have no one to turn to, get yourself to a McDonald’s or somewhere, don’t be on your own. The voices in your head will play anyway, just don’t be alone. I was drinking heavily, but I had my old dog to take care of, so I took him with me to the bars and drank together. At least I wasn’t alone. It’s not about the loneliness, it’s more about being surrounded with people so you that someone can help you if something bad happens.)
Because I had planned a suicide, I understand how those felt before they committed suicide. For them, it was their decision and of course the family and friends are distraught, but at least the dead can finally have peace. It’s a very strange concept, but when one is in serious depression, your brain is no longer the same as the pre-depression, so you could say that person is a different person altogether. Medication can suppress the suicidal thoughts and buy time to get professional help, but once they come off the medication, the damaged brain chemical imbalance kicks in again, because as the psychiatrist explained to me, my brain cannot reverse back to my original level again.
Is it hard to go through all of this without medication?
What kept me going?
My old dog who is now at rainbow bridge.
What’s the best advice I can give?
Just keep going, break through every wall, because your strength gets stronger after every wall you’ve broken down. It’s the toughest challenge of your life, but once you come out of it, nothing can ever drag you back down again.
Feature image credit: Instagram Gemma Correll