I have a dirty mind

Have I got your attention? 

Good.

But I won’t waste your time, it’s not “that” kind of dirty mind. My mind is “dirty” with negative speak, it comes out around now, when I go to bed, knowing most of the local population is sound asleep, that’s when my mind is the dirtiest. 

I don’t quite know if I am coming out of depression, or that I have come out of it but into anxiety disorder, which I looked up online and if what I’ve read is accurate, then I have always had traits of anxiety disorder, even before my depression. 

It’s 1st June 2017 02:03 in a city that never sleeps, no, I am not in New York. 6 months ago, I divided 2017 into 4 quarters and built a vision board for each quarter. I was in the deepest depression hole back then, so that strategy was designed by myself to help me plan, but not too far ahead either. So here is my half year self appraisal…

January 2017

Got over New Year’s Eve. I wasn’t drunk, I got myself a hotel room. All my friends had coupled up, but I was ok. I wore a ridiculously short and almost backless dress for a rather cold evening. But all in black. I managed to keep myself together. The hotel room was a bit unnecessary as it was super expensive for what it was…but I haven’t had my own space for 6 months, it was a bit of a present to myself.

February 2017

Chinese New Year: avoided the traditional seeing everyone in the family tree. Memory is a bit blurry because ex sent another email and I was still bothered then. My mind was totally consumed by revenge schemes and taking evidence of my research of ex’s new job, because he was still denying to pay next year. Broke down in front of family mid February and finally gave in to the idea of anti-depressant, as I literally had not slept for weeks back then. There was one night that my mind wouldn’t stop thinking and I just had tears rolling out, totally shattered but couldn’t sleep, eventually had two hours of sleep then went and did a 10 hour shift at $60/hour (not US dollars!)… 

I remember it was Valentine’s Day, on my bus ride to my GP, I felt at peace despite defeated at the same time, knowing that I would soon take Stilnox to put my raging mind to sleep that night. The next morning I started my half tablet of Laxopro, soon I was zombified. Met up with “the guy” from MeetUp and that was where he told me I should just exercise instead and how he was on the same pill for 5 months and it didn’t work. 
That was the time when my 93 year old grandpa was in hospital for so long and I would visit him often. I spoke to my younger cousin who is a Chinese-western doctor about antidepressant, he told me how antidepressant would affect chances of pregnancy… even though I don’t think I would ever trust a guy enough to get pregnant, but as I hate drugs full stop, I decided to come off the pill. 

Perhaps this was the month when I started exercising more with my guy, because I remember that ride in his sports car and I was looking at the view of the harbour thinking how funny life has changed for me…

March 2017

Exciting month, a lot of flirty messages and by mid March, my guy told me his feelings for me, I decided to give it a go. But then a week later I backed out, two days later I hugged him again and we kissed and had sex. Looking back, it is clear now what happened. I was still in depression and he was my drug. 

April 2017

Not enjoying the FWB set up. Turned 36 years old. Too old for this shit, but then fooled myself to keep going. This whole guy thing consumed my whole month. I neglected everything else. 

May 2017 

Started meditating. Enough is enough with this guy. I deserve the very best, not second best. I bit the bullet and went with my gut feel. However, I really struggled to stay clear from not contacting him. 31/5 I’ve finally done it in my mind, he lied, over something he really didn’t have to, that’s enough. Started job hunting seriously, I think I have climbed out of the depression hole properly. Still baby steps though. 

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