Self respect and self love

Before I was married, we hit a really rough spot which got us into counseling, so I’ve spent a good few years working with my psychotherapist ever since. In each and everyone of us, we all have our “triggers” that were developed at a very young age. So, what you may think you are arguing about as a couple, eg over the fact that she chooses to go to her yoga lessons every Sunday no matter what, deep down it is probably to do with the feeling of neglect. An experience dated back in our childhood memories. 

So, if you are ever going to date me, I have “neglect issues” as a child and now that I’ve worked a few years with my therapist, I am able to have self control before I react and self evaluate over most things when my trigger is pressed.

Tonight, I literally cut off that guy. The blog post before was only about my decision to cut him off in my mind. But I’ve sent that text. I know, texts are so bad, but we’ve been distancing ourselves and it was only a “FWB” (from him) so I didn’t want to be all melodramatic about it. But I still kept my courtesy to wrap it up by being an adult about it. 

Back to the “neglect” issue. The divorce is the biggest neglect right? And so, it was never going to work with this newly separated guy, who wants to keep things casual, but inevitably I feel “neglected” when he chose to be radio silent when he went on his secret holidays. That’s not too drama queen of me, right?

I could have just “let it die out”, something that this guy often refers to as his attitude about life, “…sometimes things don’t need to be made so black and white”. Well, no. I like closures. It’s a sign of respect for the other person and more importantly, self respect. 

I still feel like he has a little soft spot in my heart, I don’t know why. We are two very different people with very different backgrounds, like the movie “Internal Affairs”. I am glad I’ve come round to literally calling it off, because everyday that I allow myself to play the silence game, I would be losing another day to love someone important, which is myself. 

I guess until my final alimony payment is settled, I don’t feel like I can move on. It’s been agreed and signed, but recently he had threatened to over turn it, except my lawyer told him let’s wait until when the contract expires. My ex had been such an unkind person over the whole process, I deserve a dignified closure.

So, 13.5 months to go and counting. I am training my body, mind and soul everyday for this fight. I respect myself enough to not to be dragged along again. Sometimes, you just have to believe in yourself that you are better on your own.

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