Took the plunge and not liking it

I can feel you are not ready. I know I am not ready. I know I am 2 years ahead of you in the divorce recovery process. If I put myself in your shoes, I think you are in that confusing stage of optimism and you are so keen to move on, you are not walking slowly through the fire to heal properly first. 

You’ve opened up to me about your feelings and knowing that was the end of our flirtatious friendship. A week later I said let’s be friends, but then two days later I hugged you because I decided to be brave by taking the plunge to see what happens, despite knowing there is a high chance of not working out, because you are still in that emotional rollercoaster of The Divorced Society.

We have crossed paths, fate has brought us together, ironically through a “break up Meet Up group”. We know how painful it is to have our hearts ripped into billion pieces by someone we once loved, so perhaps we feel safe in finding comfort in each other’s company, it feels less scary to invest our time in each other to learn how to love again. 

But somehow I don’t think this will work, which is a shame, but then again, I am not a fortune teller, so I don’t know how things will work out. To be really honest, I prefer our flirty friendship before, I feel we have made a wrong move because I find myself playing mindgames and you must be too. All the signs are too obvious to ignore. If this was a movie, I would be screaming at the screen right now!

I wonder if our flame is flickering because of some prevailing wind, or that it is slowly dying. Perhaps because of bad timing, or our fears of getting hurt, our mushed up brain making hasty decisions … perhaps it is a good thing that it is slowing down so that we can individually focus on our own goals as a priority, and may be our timeline will realign later on. Who knows.
Who knows what the rules are in dating, especially post divorce, finding love after having spent a decade with someone we are no longer with in the height of our adulthood. Our twenty-something decade is gone. The clock cannot go back in time. What’s been done and said are all history. Just like history lessons, you learn from the mistakes, you take the learnings to improve in what we can do, approach new love with caution and do our best to make the most of life, which really is just the “right now” moment. 

I believe in everything happens for a reason. I may be your rebound, but you may also be my first walking stick in learning how to date again after I have fully come out at the end of the divorce tunnel. I hope we make the most of the positive energy and if we are destined to align our timeline then that’s a bonus. Who knows what will happen, tomorrow isn’t promised.

As I am sitting in a bookstore in Taipei, on my birthday weekend, I looked up and saw this:

“Everyday is our last day. Every moment is a new beginning.”

I am in the most uncomfortable zone, arrrghhh, I don’t like this one bit, but I know this is the only way for me to grow stronger in my own divorce recovery process.


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