Bravery after the madness

I like live Musicals, but never a fan of the movie type musicals. They are cheesy, but I went to see La La Land with my brother this afternoon. 
It turned out to be quite a self-reflective and thought provoking movie for me as a divorcee. Just FYI, I don’t always over analyse everything and compare things with my divorce experience, but this movie was about a love story. My brain couldn’t resist. 

The lyrics from her audition captured my attention. 

A bit of madness is key

to give us to color to see

Who knows where it will lead us?

I would use stronger words than “madness” to describe my D-experience, but this lyric was interesting. I’ve finally moved onto the stage where I’ve just read another update email from my lawyer and  I no longer have any negative physical and psychological response. That’s great news. So, I guess I am at the “colour” stage that this song was referring to then.

I’ve tried to fast track my own healing process to the colour stage last year when I went to culinary school for 9 months. I was physically away from the crime scene, thrown myself into the deep end where I knew I would be kept very busy every single day. I thought to myself that was a far better plan than spending similar amount of money sending myself to rehab. Plus, I get to gain a new employable skill to protect myself from culinary school!

And so that’s what I thought. Sometimes by burying your head into work, studies or substance abuse just to keep yourself busy, it doesn’t mean the issues will vanish forever. My psychotherapist of 4 years had advised me that I needed to “face the fire” and I didn’t quite understood what he meant, until my waves of depression, drunken anger and the constant negative self-talk accompanied my 9 months as soon as I was outside of the daily routine. 

I buried my head inside the kitchen, but my issues just got buried deeper waiting to be defrosted to be dealt with later. 

The emotional rollercoaster that all of us go onto, we will all experience the diffferent psychological phases in our own pace. Of course I wish that you as a reader doesn’t have to go through it, but ask yourself truthfully, have you allowed yourself to heal? Giving yourself permission to feel the pain, the tears, the heart-wrenching, stomach turning physiological sensation of grief that your marriage ended. Without going through this, you may not be able to see the colours of the rainbow fully. Sure, you may see some of the colours, but with all 7 colours of the rainbow to choose from, your palette may be somewhat restrictive  to paint a fully vibrant new life choosing your own favourite colour scheme. 

In hindsight, when I was abroad at culinary school I only had the “cold” shades to paint my new life with, that’s why I had waves of sadness and couldn’t figure out why I was always feeling a little blue. I wasn’t brave enough to walk barefooted across that fire and grieve properly. My world was full of madness and by protecting myself from further pain, I thought being physically away and keeping myself extremely busy was the winning solution. 

But hey, it’s ok, I hit a wall, I backed myself out and tried another route instead. Just don’t be afraid to find your own healing process, everyone is different, take your time and be brave. You will soon figure it out. 

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