Zero, blank page, new chapter, starting afresh… whatever you want to call it, the penny will drop sooner or later when you have accepted that you are a divorcee and inevitably you have to press the “reset” button and begin life again.
I would like to think that this worry only applies to the “victims” of bad divorces. Your “once-one-and-only” is already in love with someone else, moved on so far down the line that you find yourself feeling a bit puzzled as to HOW s/he has moved on with his/her life so damn fast.
Well, if you haven’t figured it out yet, the reason is because your ex had emotionally left your marriage LONG LONG time ago. That’s why you feel a bit puzzled, left out, angry and gobsmacked when you’ve heard/seen how s/he is doing so well on Facebook, and you are still crying a river every night and it seems like this sort of depressing state will never end.
*Slap your face or pinch your thigh* Snap out of this depressing thought for a sec.
Starting with a blank page is scary. No, let me correct myself…
Especially a lot of the mid-30’s plus are suddenly finding themselves being dropped off at The Divorced Society out of the blue, while all your peers are hitting the “so-called society rated achievements in life”… e.g. growing their family trees, buying houses, doing super well in their careers and really starting to enjoy their adulthood finally.
It sucks. But, staying in a meaningless marriage or an abusive marriage is worse. No matter if you are religious or not, but if the purpose of our own being on this planet is to make the most of “life”, then why don’t we try and understand this new concept…
Assuming the life expectancy is now extended to at least 80 plus, where we will still be fairly functional without any trouble…then take that number minus your current age and see your “new life” as “I still have x number of years left to live”, it’s big enough to STILL make a big difference. You may not wholeheartedly agree with me, as you may be in a really dark place right now, but you will see it when you come out of it, I promise!
I don’t know what the official global statistics is for the total number of divorcees there are right now, but that doesn’t matter, what matters is this…
Do you really think 1 out of 7 billion people in the world had done you wrong,
that means the rest of the 6.999999 billion people are also the same as your ex?
Now, that’s a global statistics to remember!
I met up with a new friend last night. I met him in a Meet Up group last month, he is also divorced with a 9 year old son. We were discussing this topic and for me, I don’t have any “anchors in my new life”… I don’t have a mortgage, no kids, pets, nothing to tie me down and I have also acquired a new skill that allows me to find jobs anywhere in the world (as long as working visas are available), I can flip burgers if it means getting money to cover the basic costs of living. I won’t die. It’s a survival skill, because when I found out I am heading to The Divorced Society, I had already left my career ladder for a few years to be with my ex, so I wanted to make sure I have a new employable skill so that I can survive if I really have to.
“I literally have a blank piece of paper to start my life story all over again! I don’t have any ties. I can choose to be here or anywhere, it feels super confusing to have so many options.” was exactly what I said to my friend.
For him, he is a little younger than me, had also spent 10 years with his ex. He is only 3 months into The Divorced Society, but I’ve always been amazed by his moving-on progress.
He explained, “Perhaps I feel I have to move on. My parents started their own family business from scratch when they were young and I feel I should ‘achieve’ something before I am 40…”
So, this is where I am at the “zero” stage from my own experience. How’s yours going?
I hope that you do find some comfort knowing that almost everyone in The Divorced Society feels the same. The worst thing you can do is to panic.
“Rome is not built in a day” is what I reminded myself today. I started a draft vision board for myself by writing the key things that I want to focus on this year, then I divided this year into 4 quarters. I don’t want to plan too far ahead, because what this whole experience has taught me is that “life” does not require planning so rigidly. “Life” happened to me on that day, it turned totally upside down and inside out in a matter of seconds. Two years down the line, what I have learned is to be kind to myself by taking small steps. I would have never guessed three years ago that this is where I would be two years down the line…if you know what I mean.
So, I am going to focus on the first quarter of 2017 with some solid goals. I have roughly planned for quarter 2 based on the same set of key criteria. Q3 and Q4 2017? They have super loose goals and if I need to change the goal posts, I won’t beat myself up about it. That’s just life.
That’s right! “That’s just life” (or if you are French, C’est La Vie!) is probably a good attitude to have in our minds when writing our new chapters. I hope that in the midst of worries, you would also feel a hint of excitement while re-writing your life from scratch, because this time round you don’t have to double check with someone else, you really can do whatever you want, because you are now the director of your own brand new movie and the star of the show is you!
Shine bright like a diamond.